Essay 2

Like Me vs. Respect Me: Conversational Differences Between Men and Women

Men and women respond differently when conversing with others. Throughout our lives, boys and girls, men and women, males and females, are taught to handle situations in a distinct way from one another – commonly seen as innate and “the norm.” However, these gender specific traits are all a combination of learned social behaviors, habits, and roles that are made for us the day we are born and wrapped in either a pink or blue blanket. Since men and women then have distinct ways in communicating with others, it is obvious to see miscommunication happen between them. Deborah Tannen, author of the articles “But What Do You Mean?” and “I’ll Explain It To You” points out these differences, and explains these conversational differences by analyzing examples from her own studies. In her studies, one of Tannen’s significant observations is the way women “seek to build rapport,” while men strive for “establishing or testing their status.” By piecing together a study of my own and applying it to Tannen’s research, I have noticed this difference – men seeking respect, women seeking likeability – in in the way men and woman talk, listen, and perceive one another based on conversation. Both genders are unique in the way they present themselves during business meetings, social situations and confrontations, funneling down to the differences in listening, joking, and communicating in groups.

In the same way men and women have different interests or hobbies, men and women also have a different way of listening. In a section of “But What Do You Mean?” called “Complaints,” Tannen points out the way men and women respond to a complaint or a conversation. When women have a conversation, Tannen notes:

You complain about a problem (which shows that you are just folks) and the other person responds with a similar problem (which puts you on equal footing). But while such commiserating is common among women, men are likely to hear it as a request to solve the problem. (Tannen, 334)

This can be seen when observing a group of all men or all women conversing; while men tend to get straight to the point and “problem solve,” women show signs of support and respond throughout the conversation, with an occasional “yeah” or sign of interest. In this way, it may seem as if women are supportive and engaged in what the other has to say, but it may also be a way of her building rapport with the person, not thinking of building or sustaining status. Men, on the other hand, listen and provide solutions or challenge what they are being told as a way of showing interest in the conversation; they see it as a way of establishing respect. During this abrupt conversation with my best friend - who is a male – it was clear that what I was looking for, I wasn’t going to get:

Leah (me): So class was torture today. I could barely talk. My voice was practically gone and it was embarrassing. I sounded like a 13-year old boy going through puberty.
Jake: No response.
Leah: And on top of that, I went to the doctor and…(continue to complain for 2 minutes)
Jake: Just take some Dayquil and you’ll be fine.
Leah stares.
Jake: Oh, I’m sorry, was I supposed to react to that? Feel bad, say “Aww, how sad”?

While I wanted to hear a sympathetic response from Jake, the way I had with my roommates (who are women,) I did not get it. Instead, Jake gave me a simple solution and continued to go on with his day, to take Dayquil and quit complaining. This came as a shock, but it corresponds to Tannen’s observations about men and women’s conversational patterns. A woman may feel the need to support the person talking and offer support and empathy, while a man may find the need to give a solution and challenge you.

Unlike women – who like to build rapport and play the “Do You Like Me?” game – men feel the need to challenge other men in order to maintain respect, initiating what Tannen refers to as the “one-up.” In a section of Tannen’s second article, “I’ll Explain It To You,” she describes how men and women have different styles of joking:

Practical joking – playing a joke on someone – is clearly a matter of being one-up: in the know and control… Since [women] are not driven to seek and hold center stage in a group, they do not need a store of jokes to whip out for this purpose. (Tannen, 287)

Tannen’s observation of joking correlates with the observation from my own study, involving the use of practical joking to elevate status. During a conversation I had with a group of male friends at my apartment, it was obvious that each were retrieving old memories (as they were best buddies,) of times when each had “one-uped” each other. Diego and Hector in particular began to have a roast, remembering times they had pulled pranks and practical jokes on one another. Diego eventually won, sharing a humiliating story involving Hector (completely naked,) shaving cream and a sharpie. All of my male friends were reaching for the same goal of being top dog, promoting their own status and simultaneously lowering the other persons’ status. Instead of playing the “Do You Like Me?” game, men use jokes as a way to play the game “Do You Respect Me?”

Men also indulge on making others laugh, which Tannen says, “gives you a fleeting power over them.” So when a man and a woman are sharing jokes – and each having a different set idea of humor – men may find that it is more important to make someone laugh, whereas women may find both making someone laugh and laughing at someone else’s joke as an important component to engaging in conversation.

Men and women have different approaches to engaging in conversation, whether it is at a business meeting, a soccer game or a party. Because of these differences in humor and listening techniques, both may find that they are being misunderstood. It is not so much that men do not listen and that women are not funny; while some men definitely do not listen, and some women really do lack a sense of humor, it is not all men or all women. In fact, it is the differences between the way in which we are taught to communicate, or the way in which we are used to communicating.